Relational Reality

When I run one of my 1:1 sessions, relationship workshops or coach trainings I usually ask participants/clients about how they learned about relationships.

Since it is rare to 0 that anyone has had any formal education in this I start by asking about some of the myths and messages they might have heard around relationships. The theories they have picked up about love, sex, relationships and gender. The theories that might be lingering and hanging out having an effect on how they relate to others.

This is a huge part of self-awareness as many of these myths and messages seem to just be part of your internal working system and create something I call your “relational reality”. I think about this as your working theory about relationships. What we think about them, how we operate in them, navigate them and how experience with them can change how we feel in them. I like to think of it as a working theory because it shifts and changes as we do, which we do and will continue to as experience compounds.

Here are some of the examples and milieus in which one starts constructing the relational realities.

•The way that we feel about relationships/sexuality is heavily influenced by the culture and the time that we grow up in.

•Furthermore it can be influenced by our familial subculture and in our chosen families/friend groups.

•Every culture and subculture**(see below for my use of this term here) has standards for what they deem desirable, attractive and most notably acceptable.

•Even in communities where liberalism and anything goes seems to be the setting that is also a code of ethics that if not adhered to might result in social consequences.

** (NOTE: Subculture refers to the dominant culture which is hetero/cis/monogamy normative. Sub is not a prefix here that is referring to anything ‘lesser’ it’s an acknowledgement of sociocultural norms that are more represented than others).

Creating Change and Sticking to It

When we start a new routine that we know will create greater possibilities in our lives after the novelty of going for it fades and what remains are a series of commitments. In addition to our commitments to growth there are heaps of self compassion and acknowledgement of where we are right here, right now.

Holding your feet to the fire might help you get started but checking in with yourself and affirming your efforts keeps you going.

If you are feeling your enthusiasm fade, slip or fall for a workout routine, lifestyle shift or personal growth work try some grounding and compassionate self talk. Remind yourself about your commitments and strengths. Allow yourself to be where you are as you are heading where your are going.

I own my strengths and my limitations.

I take the time to get in touch with my feelings.

I am not afraid of my emotions.

I love myself enough to do better for myself and the people in my life.

I am enough as I am right here, right now, making sense of all this.

From People Pleasing to Connecting To Desire

Generosity is wonderful and to give feels great but when it impedes the ability to take or receive or even desire - we’ve got an issue. Or we are about to have one...

Some give because they feel they need to do it to justify their existence. Some got the message or modeling somewhere along the line that abandoning themselves is the ultimate sign of love, care and yes that it is some sort of ‘virtue’. Some have identified as ‘people pleasers’ and forgotten their role and basic rights as a person themselves.

Those people usually end up reaching out with questions about desire, confusion about how to place themselves in their life or how to connect to pleasure. They are usually at the point where they are waking up to this realization and how it is impacting their relationships, work and sex lives.

So what is being disguised when one hides behind this compulsive feeling generosity? Connecting to the value of one’s own desires, interrogating the longing that lies in all of us because we are human, the fear of surrendering to what we truly want, or the fear of our desire to dominate, or our deep yearning to be cared for too.

Bringing your desires forward and saying “yes” to the things you want might feel scary at first if you aren’t used to it. Don’t stop giving altogether just remember to save some and take some for yourself.

Regaining Trust In Relationships

Repairing a relationship after trust has been broken is a process that can take us through some pretty bumpy emotional terrain. It takes a lot of work, surrender and compassion for all parties involved.

After processing the anger - letting go of resentment is probably the hardest but most elemental pieces. We don’t have to love what the person has done/been doing BUT if we want to move forward we have to agree with ourselves and the other to let go or forgive. Remember forgiving doesn’t mean forgetting the new commitments to transparency that this new agreement going forward entails.
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A lot of the time trust isn’t broken overnight, it is a series of incidents or multiple moments of disregard that create the conditions for the break. Rebuilding can take time and honestly benefits from that time so that all parties involved can pursue the next phase of the relationship with honor, respect and a commitment to more conscious connection.

Speaking up > Blowing Up

The discomfort you feel from communicating a long overlooked desire, need or boundary to another person pales in comparison to the discomfort of holding it in eventually brings. When we keep ourselves from speaking up because its “not a big deal” or we “don’t want to bother” or are afraid of “seeming like too much” - it can become a bigger deal than it is, it can start to bother us and get to be way too much - so much that we sometimes explode on the people in our lives.

We think by not expressing ourselves we are making things easier for ourselves and the people in our lives but this behavior comes back to bite us. The clean up can be brutal if the only way we finally let people know whats on our hearts/mind results in a blow up. Whats more is that we can also use the time we don’t speak up to start nurturing resentment that can turn into contempt which is very harmful for relationships. It can also create anxiety and depression.

Learning how to communicate is a skill and can be learned at anytime. When the moment has passed it can feel awkward bring things up. If you are worried about your delivery start thinking of kind ways that you can bring up what needs attention. If you find yourself stopping yourself for addressing issues and making assumptions about how the other person will react, gently bring yourself to the present moment and get curious about how sharing what you need to share could build greater understanding between you and the other person.

Desire/Spark

Desire doesn’t always come as a tidal wave of all consuming mental, physical and psychological sensation. Sometimes desire comes in the form of a tiny spark, a little twinkle inviting you to approach and nurture it into something a bit bigger and bolder.

When we are struggling with desire for our partners, our life or even ourselves it is easier to leave the sparks unacknowledged. When we routinely ignore them we can slide into actively disregarding the sparks as insignificant or insufficient.

I want to invite you to honor your sparks. Get curious about the twinkling or tingling feelings you have in your body or mind. The ones that orient you towards desire and the possibility of pleasure in your life.

What if you allowed yourself to stay in these feelings and you followed them where they are wanting to take you? What if instead of feeling that they aren’t ______ enough you decide to get curious about what your body and mind are telling you about what you want?

What if you allowed yourself to want what you want instead of taking it out on the spark by extinguishing it before it gets started? What might it grow into?

Make it stand out

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

Communication Exercises for Healthy Relationships.

A few techniques and strategies and habits to keep the communication flowing in your relationships. Good communication is the cornerstone of thriving relationships, these skills can be learned and are an investment in your relational happiness/success. (2 is more for intimate relationships/couples but 1 & 3 can work for a variety of relationships)

1. Success and Challenge check in.

At the end of the day take some time to share some of the highlights and lowlights of your day. This not only gets the individual sharing to be mindful of the good and the not so good in the day but it gives one's partner a better sense of what the other goes through in the day, what they are grateful for and where they are feeling stuck. One of the rules for engagement here is to be sure to allow the other person to share without interruption. Getting as well as receiving social support can reduce stress levels which supports over all wellbeing. Listening and sharing is a win - win!

2. Non verbal communication exercise.

Communication is not only about what you say to each other the language of the body and touch are incredibly important tools to remember to use. Put your phone away, shut the laptop and turn off the TV. Get into whatever embrace feels the most comfortable and accessible to you - standing hug, forehead to forehead gaze, laying spoons. Take 7 deep breaths together to sync up your breathing and take the opportunity to just breathe with your partner. Aslo when you are physically close there is a release of the hormone oxytocin from your brain’s pituitary gland. It is also known as the "love hormone" and has been shown to reduce anxiety.

3. Do you want me to listen or do you want advice?

This is an in the moment communication boosting exercise/consideration for couples. When a partner comes to you with grievances about something going on for them simply ask them "Do you want me to listen or are you needing help coming up with a solution?". Sometimes we just want to be heard and when someone starts giving unsolicited advice it can slide directly into unwanted advice and a feeling of not being heard. Make it a practice to ask your partner what they are seeking at that moment. Unsolicited advice can lead to non productive conflict and frustration for both parties.

Why Asking For What You Need in a Relationship Is Key.

Your partner might not “just know” what you need - why asking for it is key.

The other day a client mentioned that one of the main issues in their relationship was that they wanted to their partner to “just know” what they needed them to do without “having to explain.”

I said “sounds like you are upset about not getting what you didn’t ask for.”

If you are the partner who isn’t getting their needs met see how communicating what you need support with works over expecting the other person to “just know.” Release expectations of them just having to “know”.

Use a soft start up. If your partner starts getting defensive or picks a fight remind them this isn’t meant to be critical just to create better relational habits.

If you are the partner who is not “getting it” or feeling the brunt of bitterness in this interaction swap out defensiveness for curiosity. Witness your partner’s frustration as an opportunity to open up to problem solving strategies rather shutting down into defensive measures.

You’re not a kid, you can do this. If there is something your partner wants/needs done around the house that you don’t have the time/desire to do what alternatives could you employ? Can you hire someone to lighten the load? Can you frame the request or the action as something that will be worth the momentary annoyance because if the ultimate harmony it will create?

Both partners need to remember you are a TEAM. Teams come up with strategies and plays to win the game, they don’t just guess. It feels like that sometimes but it is strategy, an understand of positions, strengths, passions and potential threats that help teams win. If it takes breaking out a wipe board or creating a playbook on how you two can win so be it. Just sit and talk about how unmet expectations and needs can create friction. Acknowledge that communication goes both ways. You got this.

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Common Myths About Relationships

Here are some of the myths around relationships I have heard most frequently in my practice as a Relationship Coach.  

Any of them sound familiar?

Any of them surprising?

How would holding these beliefs inhibit one in their pursuit of healthy, happy and hot relationships?

Myth: Love is enough to keep a relationship going.

What is romantic love? It is a chemistry, uncanny familiarity, feeling of destiny to be with someone, you have found the one you are waiting for, you are no longer alone, you are encountering someone you met in a past life, a soulmate. Some people don’t like this idea but I am going to put it out there - you can fall in love with a lot of different people.  Yes, yes it is special and meant for your one and only but there are many potential one and onlies. The thing that is actually harder to do is create a life with another person. Not everyone we fall in love with is a great partner for us.  

Sometimes we need to let someone go who we love but we can’t create a functional, thriving partnership with.  If someone says they love you, and they might very well indeed love you, but you aren’t aligned on what you want in life it’s probably a good idea to keep it moving.  You might love someone but not be able to live or grow with them and it is important to acknowledge this.

If your love isn’t accompanied by acceptance of the other (even the annoying things) then perhaps there is someone better suited for you to grow with.  If it’s just about enjoying the moment and basking in all that oxytocin, go for it, but make sure you are aligned on whether this love is the kind that you would like to build a partnership around.  Love can pull you through the tough times if you are aligned in other areas - if you aren’t it might just end up feeling more confusing and disappointing

MYTH: conflict is always bad in a relationship.

A lot of us avoid conflict because of our beliefs around our ability to handle conflict, or what we think it means about our relationships.  We also might have witnessed conflict as particularly frightening or damaging growing up.  The truth is, conflict is a part of relationships.  I am not talking about toxic, controlling or abusive conflict but rather disagreement, misalignment or misunderstanding **(see below resource if you are feeling unsafe or believe you might be experiencing domestic violence).

To prepare yourself for discussing an issue that you are concerned might create conflict, ask yourself these questions:

● What am I not saying to my partner that I want to discuss?

● What am I afraid might happen if I do bring it up?

● What do I want to happen by bringing it up?

It’s not easy to start the conversation. I often share a sample script like the one below:

Hey ______. There are some things that I’d like to share with you, but I’m afraid/shy/reluctant to because I fear ___________. Ideally I’d like to be able to _________________________. What I want to share/ask/discuss is ______________. Thanks for listening. If you’re ready, is there anything you’d like to say in response to what I just shared?

ALSO if your partner brings something forward - try to listen with an open mind and hear what they are saying.  Let it land.  If you find yourself getting defensive give yourself a moment to see if it is actually something to defend yourself against, a position you are struggling to understand or an issue that needs actionable steps to solve.

**If you feel threatened, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233. You can also get help via chat 24/7/365 through their website at https://www.thehotline.org/

Myth: Passion is a by product of dysfunction and has no place in healthy relationships.

Passion is not just for dysfunctional obsessive relationship or brand new relationships (limerence).

Passion is about being drawn to something or someone. It’s a special kind of focus, care and attention.

Passion pulls us towards our edges allowing  us to show up for ourselves and others in surprising ways.

Is not obsession.  Obsession pushes us towards our edges, often doesn’t feel like a choice and is not particularly healthy.

Passion is often metaphorically represented with fire.  This works because it requires effort and care in order to increase the intensity of the flames of a fire.  What you put into it you will get out of it.

Is passion important to you? What have you done to create it in your life and relationships? What might you have to do to create more?

Myth: compatibility is enough to maintain a relationship.

Being aligned with a partner is so important - I shared that when I shared that love isn’t enough! BUT that being said when we lean on that comparability or likemindedness at the expense of our emotions and sexuality it might not be enough to keep us going. Liking the same things and having the same interests can make the day to day easier.  Enjoying the same kinds of activities and entertainment is convenient as well.

Admittedly, I come from the school of thought that your partner doesn’t need to be your one and only best friend.  You don’t want to _______ your best friend’s _______ (and if you do then maybe you should talk about that ). If you aren’t feeling like doing those things with your partner or even interested in innovating on how you do those things to reconnect - maybe you are leaning a bit too much on the attitudes over the feelings you have for one and other.

If you feel you have neglected the love and desire part of your relationship reinvest to see if you can kick things up again.  Creating enough space between partners allows for connection to happen.  It’s harder to do if you are completely merged.

Myth: If you need help with your relationships, they are doomed.

Getting support for your relationship issues as an individual or couple is an act of hope not a sign of failure.

An outside perspective or opportunity to discuss issues can create much needed curiosity around frustrations or feeling stuck.

It’s never too soon to get support for  relationship, especially if you feel you need it.

Most couples wait too long before reaching out to get couple’s coaching or therapy.

Remember we can’t just “know” how to have thriving relationships - they require love, care, attention, creativity and consideration.  Sometimes it is hard to bring these things to our relationships and when it is - it’s time to reach out and get some support

Myth: letting things slide keeps the peace in relationships

Maybe? For a little while? But then...

Many people assume that ignoring problems in a relationship is better for the relationship than surfacing them. We often tell ourselves that we “shouldn’t sweat the small stuff.” But according to research, couples who discuss problems soon after they arise are less likely to be resentful and are more resilient in their relationships.

Having a low negativity threshold means that when an issue arises that bothers you or your partner, you address it sooner rather than later.

In her TED Talk, researcher Hannah Fry says, “The most successful couples don’t let anything go unnoticed. They allow each other room to complain.”

Discussing problems isn’t nagging. It’s about communication and making sure the minor issues don’t grow into bigger ones—so that they don’t simmer until they bubble over.

What were some myths and messages you got around relationships? Take a second to think about the ways you were taught to think about what makes a great/good/acceptable? '

How have these myths guided you and how have they held you back from exploring relationships in ways you have longed for?

Here's Some Advice If You Met the Right Person at the Wrong Time

Featured expert for Cosmopolitan read it here.

‘Relationship coach Shula Melamed agrees that apart from chemistry, attraction, and a shared taste in takeout, timing is a super integral part of a serious relationship. “Sometimes [people] don't have the bandwidth to commit to a relationship or we are in a different phase of life than the person we love/that loves us,” says Melamed. “We can fall in love with a lot of different people, but they aren't always going to be the people we can build a life with.”’

‘Melamed confirms that “if the connection is still there when the timing lines up, it can be an incredible opportunity to see what can happen."‘

‘Melamed says, you’re best bet is to be optimistic but still realistic. Don’t pass up your dream job or a chance to move somewhere you’ve always wanted to live because you’re waiting for the timing to maybe eventually work out. “Live your life and if things happen to align later, fabulous,” Melamed says. “Don't wait around and shut yourself from other opportunities.”’

‘Melamed notes that being super connected to someone isn’t always enough to make it work. You have to both want the same type of relationship and be in a place to have that relationship. ‘

‘“There are many ‘ones’” Melamed says. “Love is not a finite resource. When you open yourself to the possibilities of life, you will find this to be true.”’

17 Funny Things To Text Your Friends When They're Having A Bad Day

Featured expert for Bustle read it here.

‘"When someone we love is sad, it can be tempting to take it upon ourselves to try and figure out all the ways that we can help alleviate it," Shula Melamed, MA, MPH, relationship and well-being coach, tells Bustle. "This can be particularly tough for folks who have more of a tendency toward codependence."‘

If you want to fix all your friends’ problems, you may rush to solutions when you hear they’re having a bad day. While your friend may want your help, sometimes offering some light-hearted words can make them feel better in the moment. If you’re looking to brighten a friend’s day.

16 Texts To Send A Roommate With Anxiety

Featured expert for Bustle read it here.

‘According to Shula Melamed, MA, MPH, and relationship coach, tells Bustle, it’s important to validate your roommate’s feelings, while letting them decide how they want you to support them. Rather than trying to fix all their problems or assuming what they need, letting them know your there lets them take the lead.’

‘When someone has anxiety, day-to-day tasks like shopping for groceries or toiletries can be extra difficult. Melamed notes that offering to grab an extra thing of toothpaste or a box of cereal can be supportive.’

‘As Melamed shares, when living with someone with anxiety, you may start to feel like their anxiety is taking over the space, or that you need to be on eggshells in your own home. While its important to be compassionate to your roommate, giving them space and setting some healthy boundaries can nip any potential resentment from happening.’

‘If you and your roomie like to spend time together, Melamed says that picking up dinner or going out of your way to do an act of service for them can help them feel cared for. If you aren’t super besties, doing a little chore around the house like finally cleaning the refrigerator produce can show you care with your actions.’

‘If you’re close to your roommate, Melamed encourages you to actively listen without offering solutions or trying to process.’

‘“If they start ruminating (the process of continually repeating thought that trigger the anxiety), gently point out to them that they are entering this spiral of thinking,” Melamed says. If your roommate is starting to spiral, let them know you care about them and encourage them to take it easy and take care of themselves.’

Coronavirus Has Signaled A Cuffing Pre-Season

Featured expert for Bustle read it here.

‘According to Shula Melamed, MA, MPH, relationship coach, traditional "cuffing season," or finding a date to shack up with through winter, is historically brought on by the threat of cold weather. "The cold affecting your emotions can make you less motivated to socialize and get out," Melamed tells Bustle. "You find yourself in hibernation mode and not focused on creating novelty or new experiences for yourselves. You might also settle for a less than thrilling relationship because you want to be snuggled down."‘

10 Mantras To Recite If You're Newly Single In 2020 & Doing You

Featured expert for Elite Daily read it here.

‘Just because you don't have a partner right now doesn't mean you can't feel satisfied. Remind yourself (and the people around you) that your level of contentment shouldn't be contingent on your relationship status. "Having ways to self-soothe and create joy in your own life on your own are extremely valuable life skills," relationship and wellness coach Shula Melamed previously reminded Elite Daily.’

From the Archives: The Couple as a Dream Team Interview

Here is an interview I did with Evern Westhead on all (well, most) things couples! If you have ever been curious about my work with couples - this one is for you. Watch the interview here.

4 Signs Your Partner Might Be Falling Out Of Love With You, According To Experts

Featured expert for Elite Daily read it here.

‘"Falling out of love is when you no longer desire to do the things necessary in order to keep your romantic relationship alive," Shula Melamed, MA, MPH, and well-being coach, tells Elite Daily. "It is acknowledging that the lack of effort is because of a lack of interest in continuing the partnership in the same way."

According to Melamed, while all relationships have natural evolutions (read: Relationships aren't always full of fancy dinners and sexy showers), falling out of love means someone islosing interest in trying to work through conflict. "Falling out of love can mean a shift in how a person in relating to their significant other," Melamed says.’

01They're not connecting with you anymore.

If you've noticed that you haven't been connecting as much lately, (sexually, emotionally, or psychologically), and you've tried to talk to them but don't seem to want to change their behavior, Melamed shares it might be time for a check-in. "There is a lack of interest on their part to connect, to answer your bids for attention or affection," Melamed says.

Listen, there is no set amount that you and your partner are "supposed" to have sex, long talks, or special date nights. You get to decide what your relationship looks like and what your individual needs are. However, if your partner seems to be ignoring your needs, it may be helpful to open up about what you're feeling.

02 They don't want to talk things out.

While talking openly about your feelings isn't always easy, stating your needs and expressing your emotions is imperative in a healthy relationship. "If they aren't willing to share their struggles for why they can't show up for the relationship, you or themselves might mean they are protecting you from this truth they are afraid to expose," Melamed says.

As Melamed shares, if your partner isn't willing or able to open up about what they're feeling or doesn't want to talk about their struggles or emotions with you, it may be time to consider if your needs are being met. You deserve to be with someone who is honest and transparent with you, and that means being able to talk through conflict.

03 You feel like an afterthought.

While you and your boo certainly don't have to do everything together all the time, it's important that you're considerate of each other and communicating about plans and feelings. According to Melamed, if you feel like an afterthought, or you and your partner aren't working together or planning things as a team, it might be time to reconsider if your needs are being met.

04 They don't want to fix it.

While there's no one way to fix a relationship, if you're noticing that your partner isn't interested in doing anything to fortify your connection or won't put any effort in, Melamed shares it's time to talk. "If they are uninterested in doing the things necessary to repair aspects of the relationship: going to see a counselor, having real conversations about the relationship and the direction of it, it's also a pretty good sign [that they're falling out of love]," Melamed says. Repairing a relationship can look different for everyone. Some people may see a couples' therapist or set a weekly time to talk, while others without access to mental health resources may navigate conflict in a way that feels right for them.

While all relationships have their ups and downs, if your partner consistently isn't showing up for you in the ways you need, it may be time to talk. You deserve a relationship that is supportive and fulfilling, and if someone isn't open and eager to give that to you, it may be time to show them the door.

If Your Ex Won't Stop Commenting On Your Instagrams, Here's How To Set Some Boundaries

Featured expert on Elite Daily read it here.

‘"If you are trying to move on with your life [after a breakup] and you find the constant contact distracting or damaging, it might be a good idea to disengage," Shula Melamed, MA, MPH, and well-being coach tells Elite Daily. "There are ways to mute, block, or limit engagement, which should all be used as needed."

According to Melamed, if your ex's comments are making you feel super uneasy (or if you'd just prefer that they didn't leave the sunglasses emoji on all of your selfies), it's OK to set some social media boundaries with them.’

Telling Your Friends You Don’t Want To Third-Wheel Doesn’t Have To Be Awk If You Do It Like This

Featured expert on Elite Daily read it here.

‘"Try to bring up [third-wheeling] in a way where you share what you would like to do [instead]," Shula Melamed, MA, MPH, and well-being coach, tells Elite Daily. "In other words, if you don't want to third-wheel, is it because you miss spending individual time with one partner? Is there a way to share how much you would like to start doing some of the things you used to one-on-one?"‘

‘Approaching your friend with compassion can be good way to politely let them know how you feel about constantly third-wheeling them and their partner. "Just letting someone know that you miss spending quality one-on-one time is likely to warm their hearts," Melamed says. "Making it about bonding with them over trying to get out of spending time with them as a couple is a gentler approach that is likely to be received more openly." Try to be gentle here. You don't want your friend to feel bad or attacked, either. But honesty and compassion are the best ways to go.’

‘"Couples usually have some hobbies, preferences, or interests that diverge, and if they converge with yours, that could be the sweet spot for getting some alone time with them," Melamed explains.’

This Is When Most Couples Say 'I Love You' For The First Time

Featured expert on mindbodygreen read it here.

‘"A serious relationship is one in which two people are dedicated to growing together," psychologist and relationship coach Shula Melamed, M.A., MPH, tells mbg. "It can happen quickly, or it can grow over the span of a few years—the critical component is that both people are invested in it and in a similar way." 

Words are just words at the end of the day; what matters is that your feelings for each other are growing and that your relationship continues to develop and move forward. Melamed says a clear sign that your relationship is getting deeper and more serious is that you're able to talk about the relationship together and where it might be going. 

"These conversations will be the foundation of taking it to the next level," she says. "Intention is everything when you start something—serious relationships are no exception."‘

Can People Fall Back In Love? One Expert Says It's Not Impossible

Featured expert for Elite Daily. Read it here.

‘"It is natural for relationships to shift in intensity and connection," relationship and wellness coach Shula Melamed tells Elite Daily. "Sometimes the feeling of 'falling out of love' could be a byproduct of the people in the relationship not taking the time, care or effort to maintain the overall health of the relationship." So, "when people 'fall back in love' they are choosing to go back in and recognize 'love' is a verb, an active process of making decisions to co-create the experience," Melamed explains. It's all about the choice you make to work on your relationship, if that's what you want.

If you and your significant other ended your relationship, that doesn't necessarily mean you're never going to get back together or that the feelings you have for each other just disappear. That love can "come back," but maybe that's because it never really left, and you've been able to come to a mutual understanding of what needs to happen for you both to make it work. "Usually when people fall back in love there are a series of events, considerations, or shifts in their relationship that need to be considered," Melamed says. A lot might have changed since you were first together, and hopefully, you've both grown significantly as individuals. There might not be as many fun, fluttery butterflies the second time around, but there will be a deeper meaning to your connection, Melamed continues.

"The love you find yourself falling into will likely be different and perhaps be a richer experience given what you have gone through to reconnect," she says. "You know what it is like to lose the love so, you may build better habits around connecting and maintaining love." Honestly, falling back in love sounds pretty magical. It means you and your partner have spent time apart, evolved, and made the choice to come back together and try again.’